StrandsOfLife

2011-12-20T10:05:00.000-08:00

Seriously. I need a break.

2011-12-20T09:18:00.001-08:00

I seriously have no idea why I am still here when everyone is holidaying. 2 years in a row of shit. N I'm not feeling any sense of being appreciated.

2011-12-16T00:59:00.001-08:00

Its been 28 years.

As I look back, all I can see are just the disappointments along the way. But nothing really matters, because in another 70-80 yrs or so, everyone ends up in the same state. Its a cycle, and we are all part of it. So lets just enjoy whatever time we have left n help everyone ard do the same!

2011-09-20T14:01:00.000-07:00

Its tough being me.
Well, maybe its tough being anyone. But currently, I just feel really tough being me.

2011-08-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

My mum says tt girls born in the yr of the tiger may be moody, but I told her "There is no such thing as a not-moody girl".

Recalling females i know Year of pig, Year of Rat, Year of Cow, Year of Tiger, Year of Rabbit, Year of Dragon, etc. 6/6 of them are moody. Just in different ways.

2011-08-09T13:45:00.000-07:00

I'm turning 28. Its time to really think what i want to do with my life.

2011-08-03T12:42:00.000-07:00

If there is ever a time i need a beer, it is now.

Life is simpler with gogo, at least less thinking is involved.

2011-07-28T14:07:00.000-07:00

Life is tough when your boss expresses concern over whether u can finish ur work on time.
Life gets tougher when you actually feel the same way as her.

Its been a really long time since I went to gym after the usual OT schedule. N it does feel good.

Sometimes u cant help but realise that ur brain thinks differently from how ur heart is. And there is this irreconcilable difference. I'd pick the brain.

2011-07-13T12:16:00.000-07:00

Long outdated post.
Went to a bar with Ronald. He's headed back soon, so tt was prob our last hanging out over here. But it was kindaf cool. There were 2 grps of girls sitting opposite n next to us, n they just suddenly approached us and we started chatting. 1 grp was a grp of 19 yr old girls, out of which there is 1 really chio one. Unfortunately, for certain reasons as well as their closer proximity to Ronald, I had to talk to the other 2, who were really friendly too.

N when I was giving my number, I couldnt help but feel a pang of discomfort, not knowing if I'm doing the right thing or not. I dun want to appear to be unfriendly, but well, it juz dxn feel good too. But still, its really cool to meet ppl at a bar. Too bad Ronald's leaving, if not, we could probably have some fun together.

2011-07-11T12:22:00.001-07:00

It is scary how fast time flies. And how much things can happen.
Was watching the last few episodes of HIMYM season 6, and when i was watching it, I could totally recall the feeling I had while watching the first few seasons. The feeling of just reaching here, not knowing what is in store. That thought about romance, about finding THE ONE, about trying to let go of the past. N now, its barely a few months but geez, how things have changed. I dont even recall things changing this fast over the past 2 years in SG. At least, life then was so much more stable, things were much more routine, and definitely not as volatile as these few months.

Been feeling rather stressed out at work. All of a sudden, I am expected to deliver stuff. Rather than just learning, documentation, etc. Last time, my supervisor treats me as a noob shit and repeats concepts when he mentions them. But a few days back, he uses 'we have discussed this before' to avoid repeating something which he has only told me once. All of a sudden, I feel that they are having expectations of me. But yet, I am not in my work mood. I feel motivated to work no doubt, but, there are other things also weighing down on my head. Sighs.

I want to know my banding for this year, but yet, i am afraid to know. Sighs. Its tough being me.

2011-07-03T12:22:00.001-07:00

Its been 2 weeks since I'm here. Days feel even longer. The weekdays used to feel short, but now, weekdays are like forever. Weekends on the other hand, feel shorter. So short, I haven had time to go to gym in like 2 weeks. In fact, time just seems to be crawling by.

Work's kinda boring though, nothing much gng on. Colleagues just left, so its back to the usual routine again.

This 6 months will be very slow and painful.

2011-06-14T09:40:00.000-07:00

I thought the 1 week in the states was the best one week I ever had this year.
But these 2 weeks in SG were equally amazing as well, if not more. I managed to meet most of my frens, and catch up with their lives, so that part is pretty great.
But never did I expect myself to get into a sortaf r/s with someone. At least not within these 2 weeks. Things moved fast, much faster than I expected but I feel comfortable with this. I could really talk to her, connect to her, and its been hard finding someone whom I could do that with. But in another 2 days, I'll be leaving. I have no idea how things will be like 2 weeks from now, 2 months from now. Will we still be as close? Will we drift further? I really dunno. And I am scared.

2011-05-29T14:07:00.000-07:00

Saw an email which made me went back to the blog 6 yrs ago. N i must say, I really wrote a lot back then. Lotsaf crap n stuff, n some of which aint even funny.
N I really changed a lot from 6 years ago. I see my writing style then, and I see my writing style now. Its been a long 6 years, lotsaf stuff has happened. N I could distinctly feel myself changing, my thoughts, my personality, everything seems to have changed.

I feel different. I really do. When I hang out with Ronald, its just funny that things he say to me now used to be the things I would say to others. N I seriously do see a part of the old me in him, that romantic, very polite, nice guy who tries to make everyone happy. I seriously hope he can meet someone someday who would appreciate that niceness n romantic-ness.

2011-05-24T12:56:00.001-07:00

Totally no mood to work. Just feel like going home.

Trying to come up with a list of people whom I shd meet. But sometimes, there are just people whom I dun wish to arrange to meet, though I wouldnt mind meeting if they org. Oh wells, screw them. I'm cool enuff with my family n close frens...

2011-05-18T14:55:00.000-07:00

Wad a day.
Got to know 2 foreign girls today. Met on the starirs and they invited me to their place. 1 is from Hungary and 1 is from Brazil. Its really amazing how they just decided to leave their country and move to here. With a suitcase, some cash, and then they look for jobs and place to stay. It was really daring of them, I must say. The brazilian is really friendly, and she is a MEAT lover. The hungarian wasnt as chatty, but still cool. And they were telling me bt the great parties here. Maybe life here isnt tt boring after all. =)

2011-05-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

Ronald once told me that if he had the chance he would want to fast forward all this time here, just like click. I asked myself the same qn, and I couldnt find the answer. But now i do.

I want to fast forward ALL my weekends w/out soccer. I dun speak during weekends, except the occasional 'Hi' to my housemate when I see him. I dun do anything except look into my laptop. In fact, even if there is some hot babe outside right now that wants to hang out, I'm not even sure I want to do that. If there is 1 thing I really want and have the slightest possible chance of doing right now, its asking for permission to go back to work during weekends. Cos as no life as it seems, that really is the part about my stay here which I do not want to forward.

Been watching '2 n a half men' for a few weeks now. N there was 1 episode yday when Alan just got married to some dumb blonde bimbo. N I started to think. N I actually think I would be able to settle for such a person. I dun really need to connect intellectually with my wife, I alr have intellectual frens. I just need someone simple, drama-less, conflict-less n HOT. Sounds to me that a vietnam bride might just possibly fit the bill.

2011-05-11T13:27:00.000-07:00

Arrgh, the weekend is coming again.

The only good thing is, my date of return shd be confirmed soon. Its time to start planning what to do in SG. =)

2011-05-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

I regretted not asking the waitress for her number the other day. I shd go back and ask her.
Now, the qn remains, who shd I go with? Hmmm...

2011-05-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

Its always easier to appear emotionless. Its also always better. And I'm getting better.

To U: I might appear callous, but its for the best. I will still be there when u need me.
To U: I might appear cold, but its for the best. I will still be there when u need me.

2011-05-02T13:20:00.000-07:00

I was walking along the streets. And my mp3 player popped up Nelly's just a dream. The same song which i listened on repeat mode during my train ride to Jw's place. I just visited pitt then, and everything from Uni does seem like a dream, other than the sg frens I've made. And now when the song played, I think I've almost sunk into the lifestyle here. Getting my pastry b4 work and after 5. Working till late. Watching every soccer match as though its the most impt thing in my life. Cursing at the shitty internet. Chatting with the crazy liverpool fans in the bar.

Iono, it just seems that I'm like in a totally different world now. And even though I dont enjoy myself as much as sg, but i am getting used to the loner lifestyle. Perhaps if I find someone n get married, I could even just settle down here. But of cos, all this is just a thought. And probably when I'm back in sg, this phase will be another dream for me.

2011-04-29T14:06:00.000-07:00

Just watched the movie Valentine's day today. Found it rather good actually, lotsaf rather interesting storylines in it, which are connected somehow. 1 most important theme bt the show is, good frens can actually become lovers.

Good frens as defined not by frens whom we are sort of close to, or just click with, but rather, people that we are just so comfortable around that you can share almost anything. N when I look back at the time I really liked someone, its simply cos she is someone I can actually trust to tell everything to... Someone whom I'm just so totally comfortable being ard... Guess the definition of 'the one' is really just that someone who can make me feel this way... Again...

2011-04-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

I used to look down on ppl who have no life, spending all their energy on work...

Now I realise that tts exactly who I've become... And I feel their pain... Single, no interests, no plans on weekends, no one to hang out with...

2011-04-21T23:14:00.000-07:00

A very different experience.

2011-04-20T05:17:00.001-07:00

Memories.
Everything in the past just seemed so surreal in fact, its almost like a dream. N now i'm just trying to recap what that dream had.

2011-04-18T07:53:00.000-07:00

Knn, I just hate talking to some people.
Why cant monolithic answers be taken as a "sry i dun want to talk" kind of answer?
Geez... I hope we will never talk again...

2011-04-15T10:06:00.001-07:00

Just saw the political forum on cna 2 weeks ago. Slightly outdated but nevertheless, it offers a good enough representation of the parties...

In a forum such as this, it is easy to just list out issues and throw it out as things which the party has not done well. That has been done rather frequently by the opposition. It is always easy to say, XXX is an issue, we should do YYY. But ultimately, just like in every complex engineering system, there is a huge difference between saying and implementation. The current party has the experience in implementation, and from the way they speak, it just seems that they really know what they are talking about. In contrast, the other parties just do not give me the feeling that they really know what they are talking about. This just seems like my current job, where the locals seem to really know what they are doing and talking about, while when we draw focus to one issue, we are unable to see how it affects other issues. But we are learning.

Statistics has always been 1 major part of debates. People list figures, throw out figures and use them to explain what they mean. I.e. Lets take a simple statement to illustrate my point.
"80% of the households i visit are unhappy" This seems to present a rather cogent argument. But lets think about it.

How are the households selected? By random? or is there some selection bias?

How many households are there? You really need to understand the total population you are sampling, and then select a sample size that could actually provide meaningful statistics.

What does unhappy mean? Unhappy with a specific issue? Or unhappy about every issue? Now lets think a bit about how people think. If someone were to come up to me and ask me to list what i am unhappy about, i could definitely give a list. But if i was asked to list about things that I am happy about, well, I might just give a longer list. And it is just so natural of people to be selfish, i.e. we are self-centred and want better things for ourselves. So we just focus on anything, be it big or small that makes us unhappy, and complain about it. So the qn really is, are people really unhappy about EVERYTHING, or are they happy but just unhappy about 1 single thing?

Lastly, unhappy people != change in party. If i were to say, if a wife is unhappy with the husband, does it mean that she wants to divorce him? Or does she want him to improve himself? Similarly, it should not be assumed that citizens being happy would imply that we need more opposition parties.

Basically, all i am saying is that it is really easy to make sweeping statements to insinuate certain things. However, it is really important for us to not just take things at statement level, but rather, try to understand more of what is being said to judge whether people are making sweeping statements, or people are actually understanding totally what they are saying...

2011-04-12T14:04:00.000-07:00

I have been sort of a workaholic for some time, but now I'm in my holiday mood le! Feels great to be gng on a trip to visit Jw n Mich... Cant wait to see them and see their baby...

This 1-2 weeks is definitely gonna be the best weeks i've had in a while... Overseas trip... Soccer almost everyday... New gym... N my roommate is finally gng away! Peace!!! N just discovered that there's a real nice bakery near my work place... So every morning I can go there n da bao some chocolate crossiant or some cheese pastry... The best thing bt the place is that it has a real fire furnace... N that actually seems to make the pastry better than a bakery with electric ovens.

N I'm so looking forward to this weekend... Arsenal vs Liverpool! After watching Liverpool thrash manc last night, I was ecstatic... Couldnt wait to see them play again... Then suddenly in the middle of watching, I picture 10 yrs down the road, my wife asking me to do some chores... Then I thought to myself, wife criteria number 1 = allow me to watch my game in peace... N then I further extended the criteria to living my life in peace... The thing about here is, its so completely boring but yet, everything's kindaf stable. No drama, no aggro and I'm actually in a relatively stable state. And I guess, I have sortaf found what I want. A stable life.

2011-04-08T07:12:00.000-07:00

A surprisingly good 2 hours... I went to the travel agency and all of a sudden, I seem to have options...
Trip to Rhodes Island + Hotel for 900 USD.
Or ticket to States for 1.3k USD
Or Chelsea vs West ham for 1k pounds.

OR/AND

in may, Manu Chelsea for 1k pounds...

Now that's a good thing to decide on...

Then i went to the new gym... Haven hit the gym in over a week, mainly due to work n fatigue and my reluctance to try out the new place...But I finally did. And its better than what I expected. Not as professional and stressful as the private gyms in sg, but spacious, sort of new nonetheless. Better than the old definitely. N the crowd is younger, n better... I guess change can be good too at times...

I foresee a 8 pm leave work 8 30 workout, 930 shower 945 watch champion's league routine next week.

N the counter girl is rather cute... Cuter than the counter girl at the previous gym, n cuter than the girl i met in the bar... N I was so bored with life I actually asked for her number...

2011-04-07T15:51:00.000-07:00

I hit my target... Now the next one will be 25... But it prob wun happen until sometime later. Its really hard to work OT alone, cos I cant open the door after 630. That means I cant go to the toilet from 630 until I decide to leave...

I'm glad the weekend is here... I can just sleep n rest n watch my soccer after a hard week of work... The hardest part is always the weekly update to sg... The time when I just feel that these bloody ppl just love overlooking me and all that I have achieved...

2011-04-05T14:12:00.001-07:00

Deja Vu...
Guy irritates girl, girl tells guy off, guy continues irritating, girl tells guy off, Girl guy get into heated argument... and I go talk to both parties...
Nope, its not YnS-ish, but still why am I ALWAYS the middleman? And why cant people just handle their own emotions? I mean no matter what comes my way, I have been sucking things up... So why cant these people do the same? And I thought I was pampered and emo...

And that leaves me 20 - 5 - 3 - 4.5 = 7.5...

2011-04-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

I am very pissed off yday... So pissed off I decided to set a target for the week: 20 hrs of OT... 5 down 15 to go...

But yday wasnt too bad a day... Went for a nice jog along the beach before heading to a pub. It wasnt opened yet, but I had the chance to have a nice conversation with a Manu fan about soccer... Its nice to be able to talk to people who are more moderate and respectful in their views...

Being the only guy wearing a Liverpool jersey during the Manu match, I had a crowd of MANU fan singing songs about how they hate Liverpool, Leeds, Man City behind me... Even though I did not turn my head back, but I have a feeling that they are pointing at me when they are singing that... Reminds me of the days in army when we used to sing songs... N how much those songs irritate me...

But for the first time here, I actually managed to make the acquaintance of a female whom I actually think is not bad... It was quite coincidental as I was just looking for a place to sit. And turns out that she is just sitting opposite of me. And that her fren was actually a Liverpool fan I knew from all the times we shared cheering/cursing at Liverpool... But unfortunately, I din get her number...

As I was walking home today, I smelled a very familiar scent... N it reminds me of someone...

2011-04-01T08:36:00.001-07:00

Good weekend... Surprisingly...

Went out wif colleagues for dinner which was rather pleasant... actually, it was 2 colleagues + 1 spouse, without 1 colleague...

Then went out with another grp of frens today... Visited the Ba'hai Gardens, which was really nice, but the shrine just seems slightly empty and small, with nothing much inside. Considering that its the headquarters of a religion, perhaps i was expecting more... But I was dying in the car on the way back... Eyes kept closing... Been sleeping lesser over the past few days... But I'm glad there is work to do...

Now I'm just looking forward to the 3 soccer matches tmr, esp Liverpool vs West Brom... =)

2011-03-29T15:14:00.000-07:00

Today was actually a good day.

I had some work piled up, given by the locals. And I couldnt be happier. I just want to be able to have meaningful things to do, interesting things to learn. N I'm glad its slowly coming together... I guess there is such a thing as karma after all. =)

The worst job I can ever get is to be a double agent. Because I know that if the side I'm suppose to spy on genuinely treats me well, its really hard to me to betray them.

I tried to control myself, but i couldnt. I had to get the cashew nuts.
Its tough being me.

2011-03-28T13:18:00.000-07:00

There is this cashew nuts here, coated with honey which are just soooo delicious... I din use to eat cashew nuts at all, but now, i'm just crazy over these... If there's sth ill miss here, its these nuts...

The gym I've been visiting is gng to shift... Or rather, they are closing down and I have my membership transferred to another gym... Its kindaf sad though, cos I quite like the gym... Not too big n fancy, with nice friendly counter staff, esp the slightly cute girl who works there occasionally... N besides, its the first time I ever got complimented at a gym by a stranger; really made my day that time...
Guess I just don't like change... There are times I know I want change, but most of the times I know I'm just satisfied with the way things are... This happens to be one of those things I am satisfied with...

I thought about my dilemma yesterday, and I've decided that we'll just work as a team... Even if they arent really contributing, its cool... I believe that if anyone puts in the effort to learn, they should get something out of it... =)

2011-03-27T13:11:00.000-07:00

I feel selfish... And I know its bad, but I cant help myself feeling that way...

But its just that I seem to be putting all the effort into reading and thinking bt stuff, and it dxn seem fair that I do all the hard work n everyone shares the benefits...

Throughout my life, I have tried to be selfless many-a-times... But look where that has gotten me...

I dunno... I really dunno...

2011-03-26T02:16:00.000-07:00

The drama din get less dramatic... I din get less emotionally involved in it... I still rooted for the same people, felt sad when bad things happen, felt great when good things happen...

And its exactly the same way towards people... I would've wanted to be more barnish, but I still want to keep this faith I have about life, about people, about everything. This is faith is what makes me me and I dont ever want to give it up...

But there is a difference b/w now and then... Now I can actually pull myself away from it and look at the actual life I have...

Went to the beach to jog today... The sun was nice, and that really made my day... The sun always reminds me of hope, and makes me feel positive about everything...

Let me end with a quote from One Tree Hill:
" Eventually, we learn to define happiness on our own terms, in spite of the pain people have caused us..." So true... So true...

2011-03-25T15:06:00.000-07:00

Currently, I just want peace and quietness... No conflicts, no disagreements, no dissonance...
Is it really so hard?

2011-03-21T12:53:00.000-07:00

One Tree Hill

I like good dramas. Dramas with good plots and nice twists. No need to be perfectly believable, but believable enough for it to be inspiring. We always see people who are great around us, and we would think why are they so great and me so un-great. But what we do not see, are the things we have, the things we have been taking for granted... Things might not turn out the way we want them to be, but in the current state, we can only do our best... N when we do our best, and look back at it one day, we can feel proud of ourselves, no matter the result...

I have 8 more months here... Not 8 more months to kill... But 8 more months for me to prove to myself that I still have it. The desire to succeed, the thirst for knowledge, and the ability to outdo myself...

N its really amazing how similar the times are that One Tree Hill enters my life... In fact, the resemblance is almost uncanny...

My honeymoon

2011-03-20T14:05:00.000-07:00

If I ever do get married to a girl i truly like, this is what my honey moon will be like...

3 months of no-pay leave, go to a place where no one knows us, rent a short term apartment, and just stay there and explore the place... The only concrete plans will be the initial place as well as the apartment. Everything else will be impromptu; What to do there, which place to go to next, when to leave, etc.

I really think I will do this.

So when I do get married, and I am not doing this, I better find a very good excuse...

2011-03-18T11:26:00.000-07:00

If i ever learn the guitar, this will be a song I'll learn.

Bruno Mars: Grenade

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss,
Why were they open?

Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked,
Cause what you don't understand is

I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby
But you won't do the same
No, no, no, no

2011-03-18T07:57:00.000-07:00

They come, they go. And the solitude greets me once again.

2011-03-11T23:47:00.001-08:00

I'm desperately bored... So i went to d/l all the few episodes of season 6 i can find to watch them...

N HIMYM does have some thought provoking times... Sometimes, when you see ur frens around u progressing with their lives, doing something meaningful, you will think to urself "what am I doing with my life". And I am asking myself that question right now.

2011-03-10T14:02:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned before how i despise leechers? If not, let me say it now. I despise leechers...

I read thru this piece of shitty document by the locals no less than 5 times to understand the stupid class diagrams and attempted to make sense out of them. Then one of my colleagues, A, organized a "discussion". I was really quite sure that they just wanted to discuss cos they read it once n din understand, but I still agreed. Then once i went in, B was like, "hey, come tell us what u know". Maybe i'm really a selfish bastard, but i really dun want to let others sow what I had reaped. So i just smiled n din say anything. Then A was like, "Ok, let me start by sharing what I know". Then he said some stuff, which showed tt he really did try to put in effort to understand the class diagram, but he couldnt understand the flow.

But after that, B just asked "So, how does this whole thing work?"

I am like wtf... "U just ask 1 qn and i have to explain the whole flow to you and make u understand? My 2 weeks of work and then u will just go off and tell the whole world bt this n make it as though u understood everything from ur own knowledge when u are simply leeching off me"

So I just said some generic thing, exactly like what the locals would say to us. But A asked again another qn. My principle towards knowledge is, God helps those who helps themselves. If u dun put in the effort, there is no way i would help u at all.
I can see the effort A puts in, so i just relented n explained ard 1/2 of the whole document to them. Then after that, B asked, "So how bt the other 1/2?"
Then I asked back "Have you read it?"
B answered "Its so hard to read. Its much easier if you just tell me."
I went "..."
Seriously, dun people know that u need to put in effort to get what you want?
I was almost gng to tell B not to be a leecher le but luckily, A interrupted n just said "B, dun be a free loader la" in a joking way. And then B kept quiet.

I think the next time, I will just keep quiet le. Everytime we have these discussions, B will just ask "How does it work" instead of "Does it work like this" or "I have this concept. Blah blah blah". Sibei big leecher. I wonder why this type of ppl also can be on scholarship... I feel insulted to be on the same scholarship.

2011-03-08T14:50:00.000-08:00

I hate leechers... I really do... I seriously cant stand people who dun put in effort but just like to ask for answers...
Now I start to understand why the locals here arent too keen to share knowledge with us...

2011-03-02T13:11:00.000-08:00

N I just realised.. Even though I've nv mentioned it, but one part of my day is to check my blog for those lil comments... Thanks... =)

2011-03-02T12:56:00.001-08:00

Now things are back to normal... If only it could be like this for the next 9 months... But it cant definitely cant be...

A few colleagues came... N it sortaf felt like I'm connected to SG again... Its only been 3 months, but it has seemed like forever... I think I've forgotten how life used to be in SG... All the board games, hanging out, tennis, etc... Its almost like I've been here since forever, and my SG life is my past life...

Many ppl all have backup plans... Backup in the sense that they are thinking if they shd switch jobs, etc... And I realise that I have no backup plans... In fact, day by day, I'm just slowly being sucked in... And my inertia for change will just allow myself to be sucked in until I'm so used to this, I'll just be doing this for the rest of my life... In fact, I could actually see myself, 8 years from now, still stuck in this job, still single, still typing in this blog, n still stubbornly holding on to my beliefs...

Its really hard to bottle up all my emotions... Esp at this pt in time... But I'm slowly getting used to it... Getting used to keep quiet... In fact, I am so quiet these days I amaze myself... I almost never speak at meals, and in the ofc, the only 2 things I talk about is work and EPL... EPL will be over in May, I just hope I will be so inundated by work I wun think of anything else other than work...

2011-02-24T13:27:00.000-08:00

This will be an emo month...

Nothing is going well...

2011-02-23T12:37:00.000-08:00

This is officially the 2nd worst day in my life over here...
Its not just the things that happen, its more of the emotional effect I'm feeling.

My appointment with my supt got postponed, again. Its like I've spent so much effort trying to read all the crap tt was written and trying to understand it. And I really want to be able to learn and see how I can help. But well, i just get my meetings pushed back again. Its like my effort to try to prepare for this just isnt getting appreciated at all. I dunno what to say, but its a depressing day.

And I get called a spin doctor by someone. All I ever wanted to do was to make people happy, people that I care about happy. And it really hurts if the person u are trying to cheer up calls u that...

N financially, things just suck... Stocks are going down down down, N i just realised that a chunk of my allowance is taxable...

I know that individually, these might seem like really small things. But the effect they have on me, totally sucks. Perhaps I watch too much drama, perhaps I always try to do things the right way. But sometimes, always doing the right thing might just be too much for anyone, even me.

2011-02-20T12:40:00.000-08:00

Last 2 weeks have been rather bad weeks...

Finally, at least 1 thing seems to be getting back to its usual state... though not the best, but at least its better than nth...

Now just hoping the other thing gets back to its usual state...

2011-02-18T09:31:00.000-08:00

3 + 4 + 3 + 1.5 + 3.5 = 15

I really want to see how high this number can grow at the end of this...

N its really not fair...
Person A do task 1.
Person B do task 2.
Person C do task 3.
But what happens if task 1 is like 10 times, of task 3? Ok, 10 times is an UNDERSTATEMENT.

2011-02-15T13:37:00.000-08:00

Fastest time ever from seeing a 100+ page book to finish reading it = 1.5 hrs.

2011-02-14T12:57:00.001-08:00

There is 1 type of ppl I really cant stand...

The type who dun put in effort but just hope to be spoon fed.
The type who dxn think/read but just ask ask ask.
The type who claims that he is more suited to talking to people than reading.
The type who would pay money to buy a marathon shirt but yet dun go for it.

Some ppl might call this efficient. But I call this superficial.

2011-02-13T13:49:00.000-08:00

Quote from Randy Pausch: "I waited until 39 to get married because I had to wait that long to find someone where her happiness was more important than mine."

2011-02-07T12:36:00.000-08:00

I swear, that after this attachment, I will nv go for any long term overseas shit alone again ever.... This feeling sux... Sux to the core... Its like deja vu all over again... Zzzz...

2011-01-31T13:27:00.000-08:00

Sucky day... As if it wasnt bad enuff tt Liverpool is selling my fav liverpool player, I had to pull a muscle at gym... Nothing serious, but i think i cant exert any strength on my forearm for a week or so... Sucks...

N of cos, something else made it suckier...

2011-01-29T13:54:00.000-08:00

Weekend over! But it was a rather nice weekend i must say...

Worked late + eggplant bread at nite...

Then Pizza + gelato for lunch n pot luck at colleague's place... (unfortunately my housemate got drunk, on less than 1/3 of a bottle of wine... N he became slightly obnoxious... But heng we are all rather tolerant ppl so things din get too ugly... But herbal chicken packs are really nice... )

Then gym + cooked my fav pasta for lunch n had a nice walk in the national park... Before getting an all-day breakfast for dinner, followed by some shopping for a new pair of shoes... (which expectedly was a futile search)

N now, its work again! Couldnt ask for a better schedule than this...

2011-01-25T13:31:00.000-08:00

I am getting stupider. I know it.
I remember I used to know all this. Now I only remember knowing this, and not knowing this. Sadly, I feel as though I'm so inundated with new things that I need my colleagues to keep repeating what they say. The problem is however, there's always this language barrier between us that makes it hard for me to understand fully what they are saying. And Im too paiseh to tell them i dun understand after the 3rd time, so i just gotta let it go and get used to it.

The only good thing about this week is, time passes by faster...

2011-01-24T14:19:00.001-08:00

The world should ban emo videos n emo songs.

2011-01-23T11:25:00.000-08:00

I think im getting old. 1 moment i think of soemthing, 1 moment i forget what i was thinking of. Its almost like memento. N Im jotting down notes on my phone almost everytime I think of something I want to remember. This is really chuizz...

Finally, weekend is over... Had a bad week last week. Work progress was very slow, and I was stuck on designing a state machine for 2 days. Its so easy to just code everything, but its so hard to come up with a gd design... N i feel stupid not being able to come up with anything.

Kena "qiaoed" on saturday. Was trying hard to find a carpark but seems like every carpark is full. Then in 1 carpark, a guy came out and motioned me to get in. I thought this was my lucky day, but he charged me 50% more than the usual rate... I was so pissed, but i know i was alr late for the game, so can only suck it up and pay through my nose. At least, it was worth the price; I finally watched liverpool win convincingly.

I once told someone, "U work to live, not live to work." But I just realised that currently, I live to work. At least most of the time.

2011-01-19T11:22:00.000-08:00

This day finally came...
The day I finished all 5.5 seasons of himym and 3 seasons of big bang theory, leaving me with nth to watch, nth to do... Why is time always crawling when I want it to speed up and always so fast when i want it to stop? Suxxors

Its barely 2 months... I'm just wondering how to survive the next 11... especially the last few months...

2011-01-18T13:04:00.001-08:00

Awaiting the backlash...

2011-01-16T13:58:00.000-08:00

There's something wrong these days... I wake up at 6 am or so everyday, w/out my alarm clock ringing... Zzz...

The best I could get was 8+ during weekends... I seriously wonder wads wrong...

A week of ups and downs...

2011-01-13T23:09:00.000-08:00

This week has seen many ups and downs...

Day 1 started off great, I had something to do and worked till 9 pm to finish it. N the best part of it is, I got home ard 9+, ate a nice eggplant pita, chatted a bit n b4 i know it, its time to sleep. =)

Day 2 was slow, but i managed to finish up on what i was doing the previous day and submitted it by mid-day. N then i just keep waiting for my supt to meet me and it just goes down hill from then. It dxn help tt i was told tt I would meet her on Day 5.

Day 3 was bad. I had nothing to do. I told my poc i have nth to do. I smsed the system engineer tt i have nothing to do. It was hard trying to kill time. So I decided that if there is something I can learn from this time, it has to be cooking. So i went on to buy stuff to make dinner. It dxn help tt i woke up at 5+.

Day 4 picked up from Day 3. I had absolutely nothing to do for 1 hr, so i went to request for an old document to read. Amazingly it took only 1 hr for me to get my hands on it.
Then suddenly, I was assigned a new area of work. N I became excited. But its an area i totally know nothing about. My whole mind was going "help i dunno this shit" when the guy was explaining. I blamed that on my waking up at 5 am.

Day 5 was good. I met my supt, got all her comments in (which is a lot as expected) and started making modifications. It was then I realised tt life would be busy from now on. =)
N I finally went to a bar here. N there was photo hunt. So life is good, even though I woke u at 5+.

Day 6 was bad. I decided not to join my colleagues on their 8am outings, but I was up at 8 15 am. What the hell is wrong with my sleeping cycle?

2011-01-07T09:48:00.000-08:00

I used to hate gng to work everyday, n i just spend the time at work waiting for the weekend to come...
Now I love gng to work everyday, n i spend the weekend waiting for the weekdays to come...

How ironic...
N i just realised something... I really dun enjoy gng to other places... Unlike everyone else, I seriously feel no need to explore the place, etc... I mean when I go to places, its like everyone is jsut there to take pictures... which makes me feel like, hmm, it seems like we are just going to a place, take pictures, to tell everyone n ourselves that we have been there. My question will then be, for what? So what if i show u pictures as evidence that I have been around the world? It dxn seem to make too much sense to me... Dunno, I'm just in an emo mood now...

Thank god there is only 1 day left before work starts...

2011-01-02T11:15:00.000-08:00

Happy 2011!
Moved house, got my internet up, and life seems slowly picking up...
But if there is something i realised over the new year, its how much i miss everyone... Yup... I really do... As I have always said, company >> activity. This place isnt so bad actually, its just that there isnt really much company ard... If everyone was here, this place would rock could be as great as CMU, or even greater...

Im just glad there is EPL almost every weekend to tide me through. Just as Ronald said playing bball once a week was his highlight, watching Liverpool once a week will be my highlight. PArking and beer costs a bit, but I guess its a small price to pay for keeping my sanity.
Lets hope 2012 comes faster... =)

2010-12-20T20:51:00.001-08:00

I am up at 5 am.
This sucks big time.

2010-12-20T09:14:00.001-08:00

So I just posted bt how great things were right. Well, u know things cant be that smooth sailing. So here comes the Shit.

Im suppose to move in to a new apartment tmr, and ppl who know me know that this isnt the apartment of my choice, but Im just moving in to this cos of my housemate who LOVES the BIG apartment. But the apartment is like knn ccb... We were suppose to move in tmr, but everything is still in a mess... The new (dismantled) bed frame is in the living room, and still requires us to assemble it n move it into a room, which has a broken bed frame with a very old mattress. N the new bed is like 30 cm from the ground, wtf... A far cry from the apartment i wanted to get initially. A/C is just installed but the whole place is full of dust. N not to mention, all the old things from the wardrobes/closets are lying around the place. The owner definitely din do anything, and my roommate is still ok with moving in tmr. I am like, wtf dude. U need to at least come tmr, make sure everything is cleared or clear everything ourselves before we can move in. I am seriously regretting my decision to take up this apartment. I dun have a high lvl of hygiene, but even I am appalled at his standard. I think I will just make my own room livable n heck care bt everything else.

I have no pleasant feelings towards the owner, so I let him do the talking. But he is like a meek little cat in front of the owner, not daring to say anything but yet being super niao when it comes to making decisions tt requires money. Its like when we do sth tt costs money, he will be like super niao. But when the owner says internet costs XXX more, even though we agreed beforehand that the price we are paying includes the internet, he will just be ok about it. Its like he has no balls towards what other ppl say, but yet impose his own "niao"ness upon ppl who know him. I dunno, im just pissed off... I guess it was a really bad decision on my part to take this apartment. So to whoever is reading this, pls pls pls remember this, be selfish. Only sacrifice for others if the person is REALLY REALLY REALLY worth it.

2010-12-17T12:39:00.000-08:00

Its really weird but I believe that I just had one of the best birthdays, ever. The reason it is weird is cos I was w/out the company of my family, or my best buddies, and i din expect it to be good. But yet, so many gd things happened on tt day tt I dun think I will ever forget it...

1. Nothing beats some extra monetary income... N the allowance increment definitely gave the day a good start.

2. After lobo-ing for so many days, I was finally occupied for more than 1/2 of the day. I seriously hope that I will only get busier.

3. Its always nice not to be forgotten by my frens. N even more surprising is the number of ways in which I got bday wishes from 5 important females in my life nevertheless.
Phone, Fb, Sms, Fb Msg, Email. Surprisingly, msn wasnt one of them.

4. A simple dinner which made me realise that sometimes, things are not as bad as what I had expected...

5. To top it all off, the stock I bought rised. Not just the extra $$$ tt comes along with it, but even more assuring is the fact that my judgement was pretty decent. =)

Its really not the bday I would have wanted/expected, but it was, ultimately, a really pleasant bday... Thanks everyone.

2010-12-15T12:17:00.000-08:00

Its been a long while since I last typed... Many things have happened in these 6 months... Even in the past month... But I shallnt go into any of them...

I only have 1 thing to say. I dun think I will ever say this again, but I am soooo looking forward to tmr... Cos I may actually be occupied for more than 1/2 of my time at work...
Hello World!

2010-05-24T10:24:00.000-07:00

When u love someone, u dun care whether he/she is fat/thin => if u care whether he/she is fat/thin, u dun love the someone...

Counting down

2010-05-20T09:57:00.000-07:00

5 more months... Its fast isnt it? Time just flies... N now its June soon... June is a very different month... There is no EPL, so i have to find things to do... But now there's world cup, so things might change. But im not as crazy bt world cup as the EPL, so i guess i still need to find things to do... N then there's Js coming to visit, which certainly does make things slightly more exciting.... I wonder if there's anything else happening which would make June better... Toto first prize wouldnt be too bad...

At our age, i guess we are all pretty bothered by wads gng to happen in the future... We all hear stories bt the ppl who make it big in the financial sector, n tt seems like a real big temptation... N honestly, i am pretty tempted. But if i look at my situation now, there's really nth i can do bt it... So instead of thinking bt all tt, i think the best way out is just to try my best in wadever im doing now, n then c how it goes... Yup...

Stability

2010-05-09T07:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, this weekend, for some reason or another, made me feel more stable... Even though i din get the drink i wanted, but still, i think the more sleep i get, the better i feel... i slept till like 10 hrs on average for the weekends, and it really felt gd when i woke up... Guess sleep does make things better...

Now that the EPl is gone, i need to find sth to fill my life with... Dota is slowly phasing out, with the lesser number of ppl playing... But then again, there really isnt anything else to do... Maybe can play board games n stuff instead...

2010-05-05T09:13:00.000-07:00

tIf there's sth i hate, its called emoness... Its been a long time i feel like this, n god, i hate this feeling... I must really try to get rid of this shit...

But im glad for a real gd session of tennis... Feels darn shiok... Nth beats having a gd rallying partner and a gd rally after work...

2010-05-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

Some things are just not easy... No matter how hard u try, its still nt ez... I've always had great faith in my abilities to accomplish certain things, but this is something, i doubt i could ever do...

I think i really need a break from work... My days are just going by work, eat, dota, sleep... N during the weekends, there is always EPL... But now tt EPL is gng to be gone for 1 month, its time i find sth else to occupy my time with... Was thinking of maybe gng to learn sth fun, but it seems, im just too tired after work to want to learn anything else... Oh wells, at least there is world cup in between May n Aug...

Im feeling really jaded from work too, i think its due to the over-putting of effort into it... N not really seeing any rewards from it... I guess i need to be more patient, n i shall... For another 2 more months or so bahz... Then we will see...

Or maybe its just time for a drink... A good drink....

2010-04-27T09:05:00.000-07:00

Yes Im pissed... Just cant understand certain ppl at times... The way they play... I dun like last hitting creeps which other ppl are hitting, but some ppl just do that... I try to play properly n tank if i have to, but some ppl nv do... I prefer to go mainstream items, but some ppl just like to go weird items...
Yes its called dota... I dun mind losing, but i hate it when the team combi is like shit n ppl still like to play in weird ways... Oh wells wadever... I think i can only lane with 2 ppl ever...

Not to mention tt i had an extremely tiring day... Overslept on the bus, was like totally bushed out when i got onto it... I dunno, but i am just finding work ever so tiring... Need to learn this, learn that, etc... I think i really really need a break... Might just go bonkers anytime...

N some things are just like pendulums... They just come, go, come, go... Just when u tot it came, it went off... N just when u tot it has gone off, it comes back... Irritating to the max...

Life sux... I swear it does... N it gets worse when dota games are crap... Or when liverpool loses... OR when im jst in my PMS mood...

Conflict Handler

2010-03-24T10:44:00.001-07:00

Its quite ironical tt a term i used at work can be used to describe my life outside of work... But i really amaze myself at times... I can get pissed off at very small things, but yet, i can also tolerate a whole load of shit when the need arises... Im juz glad tt things are ok...

I was really really disappointed i din get to play soccer last week... Im juz hoping tt i can play thsi weekend.. Really gian for it after watching so much soccer... N i really want to vent some frustrations through it...

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, which made me kindaf unstable in temperament too... Im worried for myself, as i realise tt i really dunno wad i want in life... Except to work my ass off n to be the expert i wished i was... Its scary...

I really want to get to know ppl better, but yet, i dun want to let anyone down... So its really kindaf conflicting for myself... Inner struggles have always been part of me... I guess its juz a phse of life which will pass soon... Or so i hope...

2010-03-11T09:36:00.000-08:00

Was watching Jack Neo's press conference a few moments ago... The first thing tt caught my eye was the merciless camera's snapping away at Jack Neo... N i thought to myself, comon, give that guy a break. It doesnt matter how many photos u have of that poor guy, its not gng to help... U might as well make him feel more comfortable and perhaps he might say more stuff... But well, these thoughts did not seem to go through any of the reporters' minds n the incessant flashing continued...

There is no pt in me gng to talk about whether he has suffered enuff or whether its a publicity stunt or anything else, my comments do not really matter. But more interestingly, these thoughts have crossed my mind before... Thoughts about meeting some girl n throwing everything away... N i must say, its not ez to just shut out ur feelings. Of cos, i am not sure if there were even feelings involved in Jack Neo's case, but i guess, its never an ez thing to do... To be able to find someone that i know could never make my resolution and commitment towards her waver... But yet, u wun know if such a person actually exist, or even if he/she exist, its possible b/w u 2... Iono... Finding someone is something like buying stocks... U see ur stock increasing in value but its not hitting the amt u want... U want to wait to sell but yet u are afraid that it might drop in value. N the worst of all is, u dun even know if there will be a day where the stock will inded rise to the acceptable price you want... I know wad i will do... But do u know wad u will do?

2010-03-07T05:54:00.000-08:00

First post of the year... N as usual, i'll wonder who else is reading this... But only at this point... After writing n posting, i doubt ill even go check to c who is reading... Think i shall attempt to post more this year, after all, i think now is a time of life when i am constantly thinking bt stuff, n trying hard to figure wad to do...

N today, i realised that i have a fear of being single... I am scared that when everyone ard me has his/her family, work, commitment n stuff, there's no chance to really hang out with them anymore... Would I be that guy u see at the bar, buying a drink n drinking himself? Or would i be the guy sitting beside u in the movies, with the aisle on his other side? Or would I be that workaholic who works 70 hrs a week, juz cos there's nth more in his life except work... I guess i can tell u the answer only 4 yrs from now...

I have seen gothicness, but i have never heard gothicness... Until i hear this song 'running up that hill'... It juz makes me so want to wear sth dark, black, just to express my mood... It makes me wanna drink a stout, cos its one of the most bitter beer i know... It makes me just wanna sit in front of my comp, n juz indulge in the song, ignoring everything...

If i ever had a new year's resolution for this yr, it'll be me gng to a pub/bar n drinking alone... Lets hope that the amt of anguishness reaches tt lvl soon...

2009-12-03T06:27:00.001-08:00

Ok, im really getting freer... Or getting more needy... The need to juz voice out all the pent up frustrations n stuff... Ok, i remembered a few months back when i was troubled by r/s stuff... And i told myself n some frens tt i'd rather be the one liking someone n feeling like shit than be the one liked and having to hurt anyone... Ok, i think the selfish me has awakened and i take that back... Its a totally crap feeling having that sense of insecurity bt someone... Well, its not the first time i've been thru this shit, but its been a long time since i last felt so... so... so insecure... Sighs... N the last time this happened, it really took me like a god-zillion yrs to get over it... And now it feels like deja vu... Call me a coward but im juz so scared, so scared of plunging in... Sighs... In fact, i think im so scared i might juz force myself to stop wadever i've been trying to do...

And i am seriously wondering if anyone is reading this... I juz hope no one is... Its weird aint it? Wanting to write sth to vent my frustrations to the outside world... But yet hoping no one ever sees this... Even though i could juz make it private like some other posts and i know no one will see it... But once again, this dxn feel shiok enuff too... Iono... Im contradictory, or to put it not so nicely, weird...

2009-11-24T08:00:00.000-08:00

Im back to blogging! At least for now.. Since i have the time every nite after gogoing... When i farming... I guess it also means i have more time to myself... But today is a good day! Was really surprised when my boss told me she noticed me OTing quite often and decide to give me a day off... At least i feel tt my efforts are appreciated... Was feeling kindaf down last week when i was seriously thinking why the heck am i doing so much... When i could've been doing more fun stuff... Like gng to gym/jog, or msning certain ppl, or juz watching tv... Or juz reading my book... Ok, tt dxn sound fun at all... But pt is, i juz feel tt we're all in this shit together... Lets all try to get it done together, and there shd be no reason y its always my side making the changes to acccomodate other ppl... But oh wells, at least its ending soon... Or so i hope... Juz hope to be able to move on to a more interesting proj soon... There's still so much more i wanna learn...

Been watching a lot of soccer recently... And i attribute it all to fantasy soccer... I dun even know which team i support now, it seems tt im juz supporting players i have in it... lol... Oh wells, at least it makes me much more knowledgeable bt the different teams... Haha....

2009-11-16T08:41:00.000-08:00

Juz re-watched Randy Pausch's last lecture... N even in the shitty state im in now, it still managed to inspire me to do better... Work's been a whore, i swear... Debugging, debugging, debugging and still behind schedule... N even though i really put in effort in debugging, it just gets demoralising when ppl working on it are all pretty negative bt it... N with some testers constantly telling u ur system "failed again" or "hang" etc, it really dxn help 1 bit... Esp when the system wasnt hanging in the first place... N it REALLY dxn help when it seems like u're putting in more effort than the other ppl, but yet u dun even know if anyone appreciates u for ur help... N i am really tired... I just want to take a long break n dun give a shit bt it... But its juz not me bahz...

Anyways, here i am... Feeling pretty demoralised at work... Seeing everyone else knock off on time, me putting on extra effort, and not even sure if its gonna make much diff... N with version control and other minute shitty issues coming, its eriously not fun... But as Randy said, u're stuck in a situation... U can 1. be tigger, or 2. be eyeore... Its ez to be eyeore, complain bt this, complain bt that, n dun do anything... Or since the time is gng to be spent there anyways, y not look at it in a positive light n endeavor to get it done right... The best saying tt i remembered: "Brick walls are there for a reason, to filter out the people who dun want it badly enough". So let me juz try to give it 1 more shot... Im sure this will finally be over... :)

2009-11-03T08:27:00.000-08:00

2 plus months since my last post... Geez, im really lazy... But dunno y, dun really feel like posting... Guess my head's kindaf empty... Like nth much i really want to say... Finally finished settling something which i shd've done some time ago, but me being the wishy-washy me, will always drag when it comes to certain things... Oh wells, now at least its time to enjoy life all over again...

N did i say im REALLY tired? Ok, here it is... I AM REALLY TIRED... and i seriously want a gf... Its time to start looking... Eh wait i already am looking... Lol... But i refuse to settle for anyone whom i dun think i like enuff... So well, i juz gotta cont looking bahz... Chuizz...

2009-08-25T09:03:00.000-07:00

Haven posted in a while... In like 2-3 months... Lotsaf things happened in these 2-3 months... So much tt its impossible to cover in this short post... I have always tried to make things as fair as i can, but yet not everytime can be fair... There are some things i just cant say, and deep down inside, i've been trying hard... Really trying hard... It would really help greatly if you could back off a lil, be it the sarcasm, or the criticism or the suspicion... I just wish things could be simpler... Both sides accepting certain facts and many more things. Perhaps its nt gd to be too truthful at times too, i am regretting being so totally honest... N i do feel like shit at times too, when i really dun c y i shd feel that way... But i do feel that way... Perhaps its really time...

2009-05-06T06:32:00.000-07:00

How long has it been since i last posted? Hmm think it seems like forever...
Been trying not to think too much, juz go enjoy myself everyday... N im glad to say its gng well... For one, i think my tennis is improving slowly... At least i am quite confident that my forehand can get the ball into the court most of the times... :)
And i've been busier during weekends, with more activities n stuff... there was a pt i was trying to shut myself out from ppl as much as possible; i really juz wanna be a workaholic and let work take over my life.... Unfortunately, my energy lvl isnt high enuff to keep being so onz bt work, n gradually, i am getting drained... Feeling sian bt work, not doing things so efficienct anymore, n not OT-ing tt much...
N my 2 best frens are getting married! Cant put in words how happy i am for them, but im really happy... N after 1/2 a yr lapse, im seeing them again... Time really flies... Actually no, it only flies when u look back... N its been almost a year since i left school... Not surprisingly, i am missing school... The independence to do anything i want, the fact that i have all the space and time in the world to myself, as opposed to now where there are so many restrictions and limitations here n there...
Im glad things are where they were now, ok, i actually prefer things to be back a week ago instead of now, but well, not too much diff... Juz hope i wun get back to the dark emo days...

2009-03-05T09:03:00.000-08:00

I am not a good liar... So i dun lie... There's always an element of truth in the things i say, be it when i say someone is smart, or when i say i eat dinner at home... But i can nv bear to bring myself to tell untruths... Like telling someone she is pretty when she is actually not... Yup, that is something i really cannot say... Maybe tts y i dun praise ppl tt much... Cos i really need to actually feel tt way in order to say it... Perhaps tts y i dun c myself praising ppl tt often...

i told myself to be more promiscuous last week... N to be fair, i did change my style of speech in recent times le... Being more bold, more friendly, more assertive... N it seems to be having some effects, however, juz not the effect i really wanted...

2009-03-03T07:32:00.000-08:00

Sianz... I think im too used to enjoying wad im doing... Knowing the system, the code, as well as possible bugs here n there... Now tt im more of an onlooker as to how the h/w n s/w integrate, i am feeling bored... Esp with everyone having their own tasks to do, n me, not having anything much to do other than helping out wif the integration... I've been really pampered over the last 2 months... Learning so much from Kelvin n being able to help him out... I think tts the ideal job... Me debugging a system while learning bt it from others... N then moving on to solving other problems...
Think my boss also too nice perhaps, she nt really giving me much to do... Sighs... I think i'd be happier being inundated by work...

2009-02-28T09:08:00.000-08:00

N it seriously does not help tt liverpool played like shit...

Emo-ness

2009-02-28T05:25:00.000-08:00

Emo-ness is when u are home on a sat nite, having nth to do...
Emo-ness is looking at all the couples happily ard u, n juz feeling sad but trying hard not to show it...
Emo-ness is just not having much confidence bt urself... Confidence tt u are actually capable of chasing someone u like n winning her heart...
Emo-ness is the feeling left in u after asking ppl out n being rejected... N then u'd ask: "y can i b confident towards all my frens, but being rejected by someone would make u seem so worthless.... Is she really tt great? NO. Are my frens really worth tt little? of cos NO."

Sometimes, at this pt of time, i cant help but wonder y am i working so hard for... I worked hard during stints in primary, secondary, n jc for my parents... Now i have a decent stable job... I worked hard in uni for myself... N i am indeed proud of myself... Now though, i actually dunno y i working so hard for... So wad if i manage to learn a lot, n perhaps do well? I cant actually see any reason for tt now...

I may be shui bian towards a lot of things, but im not shui bian at all towards myself... I always expect nothing but the best from myself, and if i do slack, i would make sure there's a gd reason for it... But towards ppl, i am not shui bian at all... When i make frens, i do really believe tt they are good ppl, and tt i can really trust them... N towards ppl i like, i do really believe tt there is something else rather than juz looks, even though i always seem to appear shallow... In fact, i nv really tot ppl i liked looked exceptionally good, they juz happen to haf this X factor... N in all cases, the appeal of tt X factor will be overshadowed by some other traits and disappear after some time... N im sure, tt even the current ops may lose its appeal soon... But there is always that one particular ops which has nv lost its X factor... Not last time, not now and definitely not soon...

2009-02-26T08:43:00.000-08:00

Yup, monday was indeed an unusual day... Im now back to my usual industrious but crappy mood @ work, and just wanting to get home from work... Work was bad, i made little progress, but i attribute it to not having enuff terminals and boards to work on... There is only 1 board for testing, and there are like 3 ppl working on it.... Sianz... But im done wif my task already, so wadever... N seriously, i think work is like one main driving force behind me nowadays... N then i thought bt my fren who dxn really like his work n is always complaining bt life... seriously, if u spend 40 hrs per week doing sth u dun like, wif a shitty pay, i believe its a matter of time before u finally juz explode n collapse...

Din manage to visit the dentist on wed... WAited for like 40 mins for bus 92!! yes 40 mins... Due to some accident along the buona vista road, which made me suspect tt there arent enuff bus 92As to go around, and so there werent any 92As in between the 40 mins waiting time... seriously wth lor... I was really pissed tt night, i hate not getting my own things done and having no way to get it done... Oh wells...

2009-02-23T08:15:00.000-08:00

Nothing ever feels so gd as a day of sunny tennis followed by a day of hardcore badminton... Of cos it'd be better if i had played better in both sports, but as it currently stands, i think i sux at both... Tennis wise my strokes always nv follow thru, too much influence from badminton... Badminton wise i dun have enuff strength/technique, something which is probably due to me playing tennis the day before... But i still feel gd...

Today is a weird day... I had quite a bad nite of sleep, imagine sleeping at 2+ n waking up a handful of times... Arrgh... N i really turned n tossed in bed, thinking bt a few things which im trying hard to push aside... But despite my tiredness, i think im feeling better in terms of myself... I dunno if it applies to u all, but there are times, i juz feel so confident of myself... Confident in terms of socializing, confident meaning i will be much more outspoken, playful... N this is something tt i feel has been lost in me for a long time... I cant even remember the last time i felt like that...Perhaps its correlated to my lack of sleep... But i have a feeling all this will fade away again tmr... N ill be in tt "dun disturb me" mode once again...

2009-02-20T09:12:00.000-08:00

"Diamond bachelor"... I've heard many ppl using it to describe some other ppl, basically commenting tt they're rich n very eligible... But I actually feel tt its sad to be called one... I mean, if u no gf/wife its bad enuff... But if u're eligible n yet still swinging, its doubly worse... Its like feeling hungry but yet looking at food u cant touch...

Guess we've passed the studies/games age, now its more of gf/wife stage, n for some, even the kids stage... Maybe tts y its the most common topic nowadays when i go out wif frens... Its usually circled ard guys/girls... Finding the right one n stuff... I've been avoiding this for some topic for some time... N i dun usually tell anyone bt wad i've been up to... N trust me, im not planning to say much too... If u believe wad i always say, then yup, u got ur answer...

Looking at the "He's just not tt into me" movie, i see a sort of reflection of myself, with a bit of similarity to Alex... I dun want to sink myself into any form of emo shit, or any form of chasing, cos i just dun want to feel desperate n sad... So i juz keep myself above it all, by juz hanging out wif everyone as friends... So tt i wun feel any sort of emotional attachment to anyone...

Also, im afraid of commitment... Its really hard for me to just go after someone, cos when i do, ill wanna make sure tt she's the only person im seeing... But at the same time, im a greedy person, n i know im the type who will want only the one i want most... I can nv b happy having 2nd best. But in the mean time, i dun wanna be labeled as a player, who just keeps switching. So i guess ill juz continue the wait/hunt... Until i can finally find someone i can accept as the best...

2009-02-15T08:07:00.000-08:00

Nice weekend... Chilled a lot wif frens, esp my jc frens... N even though its vday, im glad at least i din feel emo or anything this weekend... lol... Talked bt a lot of things, n some really depressing stuff, like me being unable to get a BMW by 30 yrs old... "Get" meaning buy 1 wif a 10 yr loan...

Lets do the sums...
Assumign marriage at 30, n i can save up for marriage costs until 30. Before i start at naught again.
Assuming i am doing well, my salary MAY hit 6k... 900 for CPF which leaves me wif 5100... (Max cpf is applicable until 4.5k only... )
Assuming 2 k for family, 1 k for parents tt leaves me wif 2100... 2k of family wouldnt be enuff, i still need other half to give another 1k or 2k too... Then 1 k for parnets also subjectable to change... Im already being optimistic here... After calculation i can afford a 3 series at ard 1500 per month bahz, n tt leaves me wif 600 per month...
Even after al my assumptions, this still seems impossible... Sighs...

N this is not the worst news today... I was freaking scared shit by a guy... Me and a fren was walking at meridien when a guy tapped me on the shoulder n said hi, n i was like WTF? But i still said hi n walked off... Then he came from behind, walked to in front of me, turned around and said hi again. I went "huh? Do i know u?" Then he said i look familiar n ask for where i work. I said gov. Then he asked which sector, so i juz anyhow whack... Then i quickly said i meeting another fren n walked off... N after i met my fren at the OG there, we realised tt he's still following us... We stopped, my fren looked back, n there he was... Then we walked into centre point... N he followed... N worst thing is, he looked sort of shifty n kindaf freaky... We quickly went down the escalator, into cold storage, and looked back... n heng he wasnt there... We wanted to go up, but we tot he could've been at the entrance waiting.. So we din do anything... Went to the back of centrepoint to try to go to heeren, but there was no link... Sian... But there was a temple there... Quite random, but yes there is a temple and no link to heeren... Sian... In the end, we shopped at Harvey Norman for some time, before finally daring to walk out again... Knn, i think it'd be better if it had been some ah beng asking me instead of a shifty nervous looking guy... But heng im over it liao... Knn... Ok, no more blogging bt it, only makes me feel more sian... lol...

2009-02-09T05:22:00.001-08:00

I am losing it... my fitness i mean... Played tennis on sunday, and there were times when im really panting after running here n there... And i rarely pant during racquet sports... I am seriously wondering how much more sports i can do before i officially play them very slackily... Instead of trying to improve and push myself...

And I am slowly getting more intrigued by board/card games... I love games like bang! and citadel, thinking of buying them so tt can juz play them wif frens instead of gng to settlers which would cost more... But i insist tt i hate settlers of catan... I find it too luck based, with the random rolling of the dice, and not that much interaction involved between the various players... Call me a sadist if u want, but im always more for games where 1 person can "sabo" another person... lol...

N of cos, left 4 dead is another very good game to play to destress... Would luv to be able to go play wif a few other frens for like an hr or so... Perhaps my life has been relegated to wanting to simply kill zombies...

But sth sad... I wanted to watch the wedding game, but failed to watch it on 3 occasions... First i tried asking a fren to watch wif me... But she insisted tt its too lame... so i juz suck thumb... Then i asked a grp of frens, and they were ok... But in the end, there were no more tix... Zzz... N the last person i asked wasnt interested either... Sian... Even though the reviews werent good, n i am not so keen to watch it now, but its kindaf sad tt shows i like arent as well liked by others... Im a fan of those lame, excuse-brain comedies, but sadly, most ppl prefer more serious movies/ blockbusters...

N juz a random tot... Through hearsay, media, n stories, it seems as though sg girls prefer guys who are practical, dun lie, honest... They need not be charming, sweet-talking, or even cute... Yet in life, i think ppl ard me seem to want the latter... Gl to them...

Attention whores...

2009-02-04T07:46:00.000-08:00

Heard this term today, n it makes me realise how much disdain i have for ppl who like attention... Everyone wants attention, me included... But there is no need for me to keep trying to do stuff to get attention... Friends give one another attention, but there are certain ppl who juz seem to always to crave for it... Y cant ppl just sometimes be quiet n simply enjoy the moment? Sighs... I am cool wif ppl if they trying to attraction 1 person's attention, but i am not cool wif ppl if they're trying to forever get everyone's attention...

For the weirdest reason, i got this song in my head today when i woke up... Even though i dun haf this song in my comp... N now tt im listening to it, it juz grows on me... Arrgh, need to go k soon...

五月天- 突然好想你

突然好想你
你会在哪里
过的快乐或委屈
突然好想你
突然锋利的回忆
突然模糊的眼睛

2009-02-01T05:24:00.000-08:00

Had a very packed weekend... Too packed for my liking, n the worst of it is, its not even great... Went to 2 cny parties at frens' place, n 1 worse than the other... Maybe cos i dun really know the ppl tt well bahz... Juz went cos they asked, n i tot it could be fun... turns out well, I'd rather juz go chill wif some other frens... Lotsaf details which i'd rather leave it, too tired to say everything... Esp the sai kung details...

Then today had a wedding lunch, which had quite lousy food... No shark's fin (maybe for environment reasons), had only 7 dishes, including of the dessert... N i was full more from the coke bahz... The only consoling factor was me gng to play left4 dead wif my colleagues after tt, n tt was certainly the highlight of the weekend... Maybe the liverpool match could be the highlight of the weekend instead... I certainly hope it would be...

I juz realised how much of an introvert i am... There are so many things i dun want to tell ppl, so many things which im not comfortable letting anyone know... Its not tt i dun trust anyone, i know i have really great frens whom i can tell anything to n nth would happen... But i guess its just me; i juz feel vulnerable when someone knows everything bt me... N tts also sth i look to in a gf bahz, someone whom i am actually comfortable telling almost everything... N lets starting counting the number of potentials...

2009-01-24T08:11:00.001-08:00

Busy week... Worked quite a bit of OT, i think i clocked more than 10 hrs of OT for the whole week... N the worst is, i still couldnt find the bug... zzz... but its hard too, considering u haf 3 ppl using 1 machine... But i really enjoyed working wif my colleagues, think our frequency lvl all the same one, so quite a lot of laughter in the midst of stress too... lol... Still no progress after a week, n the bosses are kindaf stressed out too... Hope i can find the bug soon...

Had a major downtime this week, was trying to settle some crap issues... Hope the ppl involved wake up from their idea soon... No way i can take any more of this...

N im seriously tired after soccer today... It feels like my life energy has been drained out of me... Think ill rest more during new yr...

2009-01-18T08:10:00.000-08:00

CNY is coming soon... N i dun feel the excitement at all... Maybe cos this is a gloomy CNY for me, there is nth much during tt time tt im looking forward to... In fact, i'd prefer it if its juz a normal weekend, a normal long weekend... At least i can still go do things i wanna do, instead of facing relatives, or doing bo liao things like iono... There must be some bo liao things tt we do during CNY tt i dun like...

Yeah, prob from there it seems tt im slightly moody... N yeah i am... Yday was talking to my frens n then juz realised, its lesser than a month before a more impt day... V-day... My frens were kb-ing to me tt they have no one to ask out... N i tot for a while... N realised tt i have no one to ask out too... Oh wells... Not say i cant ask anyone out, but there really isnt anyone whom i wanna ask out... N tt being the case, n knowing how i draw very clear lines in these cases, ill prob end up being sian again...

N it wun help wif ppl telling me tt i can ask A out or ask B out, cos y, it simply isnt the case... Ok, i need to master the skill of squelching ppl... Its something i really need...

N of cos, the weekend isnt made any better by manu, chelsea, arsenal all winning and liverpool not playing yet...

2009-01-14T07:17:00.000-08:00

N the word of the week is TIRED... I hear it, i read it, i saw it, i wrote it, n best of all, i felt it... N i tot working in the lab will make me feel gd always... But im wrong... Seriously, the lab has such horrendous reception, it makes me wonder how the z monster can sneak into a place where even signals cant get thru...

All the passion i felt last week, well, its being suppressed by the z monster... Its not tt i sleep late, or work too much... Its juz, i cant sleep well... Kept having dreams the past few days, n i have not had them for some time... N im not thinking a lot too...

Need to really play some sports n sweat it all out... tennis, soccer, badminton, anything goes... Maybe tts y im looking forward to badminton... Its hard to find sport khakis... I've given up hope on soccer, n im juz too noob for tennis... so there's only badminton left... At least weekend is coming, n i can juz rest...

2009-01-12T06:24:00.000-08:00

A gust of cold wind blew past me just now... N i felt cold... Its been a long time since i feel like that, totally reminds me of US... When i used to walk back from oakland... (or walk from the restaurant to the car) Its really been a long time... N w/out me knowing, i've been back for 7 months already... N i seem to have accomplished nothing... In fact, nothing seemed to have changed... Its really scary when u start working and days just flash past... But i guess tts working life... We have a new focus in our life, n soon it'll grow to be a huge part of our lives, or at least, my life...

2009-01-09T07:10:00.000-08:00

Kept wanting to update my blog, but nv really got down to doing it... N yup, quite a few thoughts of the day were lost... Getting old le...
Had quite a hectic week finding out wads wrong wif the system... N being a rtos just makes things even more interesting...
1. The errors appear at different parts of the code, n might not even appear at all during some runs...
2. Even a simple cout/printf would slow down the system timing, n cause errors to appear or disappear.
3. U need to track down wad is happening in the memory to log down wad the hardware is sending... (lucky cmu made me strong in looking at memory stuff)
4. U can nv pause the system to look at the variables, there are always other tasks running...

So its really shit... N i liken it to finding a murderer... There are so many suspects, but which is the one tt murders the system? N i am really enjoying myself doing it... To the extent i would gladly go back on weekends to debug if i have nth to do... lol...

It may sound weird but i am actually feeling happy when someone is no longer as friendly to me as she used to be... lol... Juz hope things are still chill btw us...

N i think im slowly transitioning back to my loner/dao state... Where i dun keep trying to organise stuff for myself, but rather, juz b happie whether my weekend involves any dates/meeting new ppl anot... Dunno if this is good or bad, but i think most impt is, im happier...

Last but not least, im caught onto another song... 情书 by With very nice lyrics...
我知道回去不一定一路顺风
只希望有天好好梳你的白头
Makes me feel something inside of me...

Im actually thinking of publicising my blog, i.e. tell more frens bt it n stuff... But i dun want ppl to see all my prev posts also... Hmm... Perhaps i can start a new blog, but i also want this to continue... After all, i feel safest writing to this one... Well, from my understanding of myself, i'll juz continue to write to this, n not publicise it... lol... Lets c if the new year changes anything...