Waiting for my dota game... Or rather, waiting for the rest to finish... Its really farnie how i was juz feeling good yday, n i had to wake up feeling quite rather like a piece of shit... Din wanna leave the house, din wanna do anything, din wanna hear anything, but in the end, i din haf my way... I am seriously wondering something now. How is it possible tt things nv change n u juz suddenly feel like shit? But its possible...

Im getting moodier these days, n i do realise the lack of words in myself... Honestly, i think im starting to talk less n less to ppl... I talk lesser to my family, cos they dun really seem to understand the things i say... I talk lesser to my frens cos it juz seems tt sometimes, things are different... They seem different, or rather, i am different too. For some weird reason, the sense of insecurity increases as i grow older, i tend to be more afraid of feeling vulnerable... Shdnt be feeling like this but i am feeling like this. Hope this shit goes away tmr...

$$$ no enuff... Been spending quite a bit recently, n now im slowly feeling it... Think i've exceeded my 1k a month cap expenditure, but heng this month got a bit of bonus to help offset it... Been quite bz the last few days, wif a lot of stuff gng on... Dun ask me y... Juz seems to have things gng on everyday since last monday, n now i've finally cleared all the meeting-up, activities, etc... So i've finally time to myself once again...

N even though im on leave tmr, i juz feel tt it seems a bit empty... AS in, i've got nth on... So far, i've always got sth on, be it work or other activities, but now, tmr juz seems a bit empty and im already feeling a bit weird... But at least i can finally pei family... N stop spending $$$...

Guess among all the months, i've worked, this is the best month so far... Im slowly clicking wif my colleagues, n having fun @ work... I do like understanding code n debugging code... N i love it to the pt tt i can go back on my leave to finish up my stuff... I think im getting to be more n more at peace wif myself, feeling more contented wif my current life n everything... Which is good... N i do think tt i've got really nice n great frens ard...

As i re-read the post, i think this must seem like a really good post... One of the posts where i dun feel emo n kb bt things in my life... But this is good, n lets hope things remain this way... =)

The Game

Close frens of mine would have heard these words from me...
"Girls who are 18 go for bad boys, girls who are 28 go for good boys... So its always good to be a bad boy when young, good boy when old... N its stupid to be a good boy when young, a bad boy when old... "

But now, im gradually becoming stupider... Or at least im showing tt im becoming stupider... My buddies will always b my buddies, ill always b nice to them... But others, can suan le... N in fact, i think it might be working better... At least im still young enuff to experiment...

Bad weekend...
Liverpool drew... N although i had the pleasure of seeing them, or rather, gerrard score 2 goals juz after i reached home, i couldnt see them win of the game... N im really sick of keane just warming up and not gng down... Confidence in benitez is dropping...

My hopes to go zoukout were gone once again... But i guess tts me, always having my hopes up high to b happy the whole time before the actual thing, and then having the whole truth come crashing back to me tt i simply dun have enuff chiongsters as frens... I miss cmu... I miss having ppl who u could juz jio readily n easily...

N talking bt jioing... Im starting to feel tt im slightly a lil "off" from the other sgreans... I would totally meet a girl haf a few chats, n then go jio her out for dinner the next day... Maybe im interested, maybe im not, but the pt is, i juz wanna get to know the person better... N my frens were all saying tt its not really the case here in sg... Like u dun go n jio anyone out until u establish a certain lvl of familiarity... Hmm, has my mindset really changed so much? Perhaps bahz, 4 yrs ago, i know i wun jio anyone whom i juz met out... But now, its like perfectly normal to me... Oh wells, maybe tts y i miss the US...

But at least a few gd things happened over the weekend... I finally tot of a present for my buddy who is coming back to sg! haha... Been looking n shopping for ideas le, n cant seem to get anything tt he hasnt already have... But cfm he dun haf this present yet... N im really excited to get it... Haha, i've always loved finding presents for ppl; would feel very happie to get ppl somehting which i think they like that they really like... =p
N also, i downloaded a few songs tt i like... Im really a very "song" person, i like music, to the pt tt i can keep listening to a song for like days n not get sick of it... Perhaps its the need to cover up for my emptiness inside, using songs to affect my mood so tt i would not get affected by anything tt might be affecting me... Haha... But at least its making me feel gd...

21 km done! Next hurdle is 21km under 2 hrs... Fren ask me go 42, but i am doubting my self... Not my stamina or determination, but more of my physicla self... Whether my knees can take it, whether my ankles can survive it, whether i can complete it and dun suffer any lasting physical effects... So i've decided to go for a 21km under 2 hrs first n c how i feel... N before tt, i'd go for a 10 km under 50 mins... Juz waiting for the next challenge....

Its been a while since i last blogged... Been having quite some fun since then... 1st of all there's std chart... The 21 km which i completed... YEah i know it aint really a huge feat or anything, but to me, it really is... My knees n ankles were really hurting during the run, n i wanted to just dash to the finishing line asap... But i managed to persevere throughout the last few km, which made me really proud of myself... And also made me know my limits...

Work is also getting better... I have more things to do now, not necessarily interesting things, but better than nothing... N i think im slowly getting used to things now... Which is good... But sometimes cant help but juz wonder at times bt my future in DSO... Cos im doing only development stuff, which anyone can do... I dun feel "unique"...

N as usual, i dun say much bt my family... For some reason, I nv liked to say anything bt my family... Its always been a dark thing, something which i always kept to myself... Guess im juz nt comfortable telling everything to ppl... Makes me feel kindaf vulnerable... I still remember the times when i really wish i had someone i could talk to... But the only person tt i would tell is the person i couldnt talk to... Kindaf ironic eh?

N a fren was telling me to sit down and think through wad i want in 3-5 years... N she told me tt at least 5 times within 5 mins... But how do i know wads best for me in 3-5 years? I only know wads best for me now... Im known for my pickiness, and many ppl are always asking me wad i want in girls... To be honest, i really cant say what i want, i only know what i dun want...

Not in order of any merit,
1. I dun want a girl who is too idealistic... I.e. forever thinking that we shd can save the world, help the world, etc... I prefer to be a bit more practical and know tt i can only do so much... N im contented making sure my family n frens are happie...

2. I dun want a girl who is too wild... Wild meaning will go up to pick up guys, will be easily picked up by guys... Will go sleeping ard as though its nth... I still need a sense of security...

3. I dun want a girl who is too dominant... Forever trying to control me and telling me what to do... Trying to make me do what she wants and not what i want... N not amenable to reason...

4. I dun want a girl who is too stay-home... just wanting to nua at home, not wanting to go out or do anything... I'd get bored easily...

5. I dun want a girl who is too independent... Someone who dxn need me at all to survive... Someone who knows exactly what she wants and is very head strong bt it... I actually want to be able to take care of someone...

6. I dun want a girl who dxn speak chinese... Even though i speak decent english, at least decent enuff to be able to talk to most ang mohs, i would prefer to be able to talk to someone in chinese... Make chinese/ hokkien jokes, etc...

7. I dun want a girl who is too pampered... Pampered in the sense of spending money like no one's business... Even though i know i can spend more on a girl than myself, but im no gold mine still...

8. Ironically, i dun want a scrooge also... I cant take ppl who are forever trying to save money n refusing to spend anything...

9. I dun want a girl who is an attention seeker... Someone who would juz keep trying to attract all the attention in a grp, someone i'd consider "extra"...

10. N i dun want a girl who is an air-head, contrary to popular belief... I still want someone to be able to engage me intellectually, maybe not on politics/soccer/world affairs, but at least someone who can talk to me bt other ppl, bt society, etc...