I dunno wad is keeping me sane...

I feel stupid... Kernels, stacks, are definitely not my cup of tea... I am trying, but it simply isnt enuff... Its very stupid when u think u understand y the bug was caused, n went on all the various ways to try to fix it, only to realise that the bug is not what u think it was... I have spent lotsaf time on this proj already, but the time spent isnt really that efficient... I used to be smarter, being able to do more in the same amt of time... but now, i am spending like hrs doing nothing... Trying to debug but still nothing done... I finally understand how it feels like to be stupid...

I had a dream yesterday... I met a certain someone after several years... N by that time, i had grown fat... I could still remember my fat cheeks in the shiny mirror in the lift i met that someone... She is still single, grown a bit more mature, but none the less similar to the way i remembered her... Actually no, she is better than the way she is now i feel... More matured, more charming... N as for me, i've grown fat... older... N still single... Which brings out a fear in me... The only reason y i am still not desperate yet is maybe cos i still have confidence in myself... But... What if i begin to grow stupid, old, fat, paranoid... Sighs... N i still remember our conversation... We talked about what happened to us last time, which is like some time back... N then luffed it off... Then we parted... Then i felt really down, n then i woke up... N for once, i am happy that my dream wasnt real...

Hope

People live for different reasons, some live for power, some live for girls, some live to just do-what they want... N i live for hope... The things i do, the person i have become is all because i believe that this will help my future.... Working hard in school now will help the future... Gng to gym will help my future... Being a nice person now will make me feel gd in the future... I may despair for a short while at times, but i always have hopes for other things that will help me bounce back fast enuff... But if i lose hope, then i guess tts when i slump into my depression...

Ok, enuff of sad things... Shd write more bt happy stuff... Hmm...

Ok, that concludes the happy stuff paragraph... I feel like skipping class today... Seriously no mood to go school... I've already skipped a recitation, i feel like gng to gym n jog... Then come home to shower, n then go finish up hw, go watch my chinese drama series n juz lie at home for 1 day... Its been a long time since i've had some "alone" time... Everyday i'm either hanging ard frens, (which is seldom) or i'm doing work... Hopefully this week i can finally just have some time to myself... Eat brunch wif frens, go wean lib do some work, play some dota, go gym, eat dinner, rest n recover... Wean lib... sighs...

N i seriously need to start keeping track of my expenditure... $$$

More n more thoughts...

I'm writing much more these days... Maybe cos my life's experiencing more stuff than before... Now is the sian mood... I was feeling totally sian last week, i'm sure i've said it somewhere in my blog... Then came the sudden burst of hardworkingness where i really piaed... N now, i'm feeling tired... I just need that 1 week of break desperately... 1 week for me to just stay in my room, watch chinese drama serials, n then go gym for an hr, n be back for more drama serials... I seriously need motivation to study... i am like 5% motivated to study... for my regression course... N 0% for the rest...


But i'm finally starting to feel better bt myself, as a TA... For once, i think that i am showing a flash of the knowledgeable and responsible TA that i wished i was... N even though i had to miss 30 mins of RAW because of that, I felt good overall. N i think i've decided to volunteer for the solns everytime, cos i think i truly learn more when i actually do the hw solutions... As compared to me juz roughly knowing the solns for the hw... N hoping no one asks me any tough qns...

Been trying to go gym as much as possible... I realise that the combination of sweating it out after cardio and the lifting of light weights after exhausting my energy makes me feel good... In fact, its the part of the day i feel the best in...

Been talking a lot to my sis... N i guess i nv really expect her to care tt much bt me... But she does... =)

Retail Therapy n some thoughts...

Went shopping yday... Not tt i have anything i wish to get, but rather, i just want to go n do something to destress... Its real nice to have a nice fren accompany me there, n just look ard n talk... Saw a leather jacket that i really liked... A lil on the short side since its a bomber, n i'm kindaf on the short side of cash currently... Been spending too much recently, spending w/out really calculating the costs... Not good... But to be honest, its not often that i see a jacket that i really like... N if i really like it, i guess it means that i am willing to pay more for it, i am willing to spend lesser everyday, cut down costs on other things just to make sure that i can buy it. N even if its more expensive, i guess i'll still get it... It juz takes more effort on my part to save up, but if its something i really like, i'll still try to get it...

I still remember the qn which everyone always asks me when i was young. "What is your ambition?" I used to say engineer, cos of the fact tt i'm good in math and everyone else would say "wah, you3 zhi4 qi4" (got aspiration) But if u ask me a few yrs back, i'll prob juz tell u, i wanna find a rich n pretty girl n marry her, n slack at home while she work. Am i serious bt it? Haha... But now, i realise that i may actually find a job tt i like... Being a model! Haha... Juz realised tt yday... Well, i like trying on clothes... I like looking myself in the mirror... The only problem is i not yandaoz enuff, i cant pull off many types of clothes, n i need to get more fit... (i.e. 6 packs!) Haha, even though it may not materialise, but i'm glad i finally have a real answer to the "what is my ambition" question... =)

As promised...

As i promised in my previous blog, i will bounce back... N yes, i am bouncing back... I finally had a good night's sleep... No dreams, no interruptions... A full 5 hr + sleep... Its been so long since i experienced the sleep, but for some reason, even though it was good, it juz make me wanna sleep more... Shows that i really know myself well... Even though i thought my week was bad enuff, i still volunteered to do the solns for the class i am TA-ing, solns for the hw which i did not really know how to do. But i guessed i managed to do all of them in the end, n though it was tiring, I was well rewarded by a good night's sleep. N yes, u can tell i am still very excited over my sleep.

Talked to a buddy back in sg yesterday... N for some reason, he seems to always manage to say the right words to me... Not that they are the nicest words to hear or anything, but for some reason, they juz make me understand points which i did not think about previously... Hmm... Thanks buddy! I know u are reading this...

Slowly but surely, i know i am clearing my work for the week, so that perhaps i can just spend 1 weekend day doing nothing... Hmm, or perhaps i shd juz go shopping again... Not grove city, but rose park mall, or monroeville or century III... I want more dress shirts n pants! (not juz u mingyang)... I think we shd buy more dress shirts, go to more parties, have more fun, n get drunk! (something which i haven been ready for in my entire life, but now, i think if given the chance, i will juz go get drunk... Dun feel the need to hold back anymore... ) Juz bought a nice shirt from grove city last week, thx to MY for recommending it... The more i look at it in my wardrobe, the more i like it... Maybe i can wear it sometime this weekend again... =)

What makes a man?

Its not the non-chalent attitude, nor the heck-care attitude... N its definitely not the huge pectorals or 8 packs... Neither is it the amt of testosterones, but rather, the courage to face up to reality. Reality is never sweet, but we must have the courage to face up to it. Things might not be going well nowadays, n i know that i cant say that i am doing well coping with it. In fact, i know i am not coping well with it at all. I'm dropping courses already, hopefully tt'll make me feel better... But i know that i will definitely bounce back, i just need time... Nv realised how much these words could mean to me "you got xxx supporting u"... Its really nice to know that you have someone supporting u... N others being there when u needed them most... ;)

I am a morning person!

Yeah, i know that i am one of the hardest person to pull out of bed in the morning... Yes, i know how many times i have pushed outings or meetings to afternoon instead of morning... N Yes, i know how many times u tried to get me to wake up earlier zh... N now, i am automatically waking up... I slept at 330 am, set alarm clock to wake me up at 830 but i woke up on my own at 730 ... Think i've been waking up early too many times until i am actually used to it. But its not becos i want to wake up early, but its cos i am now scared to sleep late... Night time is the time when i feel the most emo... I'll start thinking about people, start looking back, start thinking bt myself... Which will juz lead to nothing but sadness for my poor self. Tts y i prefer to sleep early, before all the emo stuff come in...